holidays and stuff

November 18, 2006

its almost thanksgiving…i’m writing my shopping list…i’m excited…and sad…

 the holidays are like a bad lover for me…i spend so much time romanticizing them and looking forward to them, and then they come and i remember all of their bad qualities and just wish that they would leave again…my kids love them though…

i’ve been in a funk…mad…disappointed…etc…

i’ve kept a happy face on for my kids though…and even my husband…no sense ruining everyone’s time…

my husband and kids are not the problem…its my paternal family that bugs me…always have…
every year it never fails…i want to purge all of my feelings about my childhood onto the people who helped to make it so bad…but they don’t care…never have…and there in lies my disappointment…

and then, why do i even care? i’m a mom myself…why should it matter that my mom never loved me…why should it matter that my father hurt me….why should it matter that my mother blamed me…and abandoned me…and beat me…and crushed who i was…and robbed me of happiness………….all of that should be behind me, right? so why do i let it creep back in…i see people all of the time who had bad childhoods, and they are okay with it….why can’t i make peace…

i spoke to the dj at my radio station last week….he was doing a show on people that influenced our lives…8 years ago, he had another show on that i called in for…he said some things that i carried with me about my relationship with my mother…i called last week to let him know how much it meant to me….and i began to cry…i don’t know why…i didn’t mean to….i thought i was okay, but instead i was crying….i still thanked him…he was really kind to me when i needed it years ago…maybe i still need kindness…..i don’t know…

if i could have anything….aside from guaranteed happiness for my family….i would wish that i had no recollection of my childhood…at all….none………..how can so many years of your life be just a painful memory…..and why can’t i forget it…..my mother is still using drugs….haven’t seen her in years….she only cares for me when her other child is in jail….then i become a welcomed distraction….until i cut it off years ago….it wasn’t fair to my kids the way she was….too unstable…..to wishy washy….it was hard to do, my inner child wanted a mom….my adult self knew that i would never have a real mom…and my children deserved more than a fair weather grandmother….my kids are the coolest kids on the planet…its sad that she never saw that…i guess she just saw me when she looked at them….and she hates me……my kids will never have to know the rejection i have had all of my life at her hands….and i’m glad for that….

holidays still make me sad…its one of those things that you can’t change or control…tears and snowflakes…..and frankly it pisses me off that it bugs me this much…why?…for the love of all things holy, she doesn’t care….never has….i should be happy that i don’t have her in my ear bad mouthing everyone i know….treating my kids differently from her other grand-kids….that’s fucked up in any language….and makes me boil….she claims to treat the others differently because their parents are all fucked up with substance abuse…but even she knows she’s lying….its really because i never have been good enough….and i’m sure she saw my kids the same way….so why have i just spent the last 30 minutes writing about the nut job that she is?

when life gives you shit, you  can wallow in it or wash it off….i’m ready for a bath

Banks are run by Celebrities

November 13, 2006

so i check my bank account and some numbers are missing…i call the bank…i go through the whole automated bs that never really answers any questions…i grow tired of the charade and press 0 to speak to an actual human who can actually give me a clue…

blah blah blah…deposited on friday…blah blah blah…this guy who obviously believes that he is the end all and be all proceeds to tell me that all banking functions have been pushed back a day because of the holiday…vetran’s day…

ok….so my bank….who only opens for 3 hours on saturday to begin with…they all took those 3 hours off-vetran and layman….and these missing 3 hours have delayed my banking activities for a day OR MORE (he says)….

whatthefuckindabullshitizthat??

has every gd person in the banking industry served our country?….and what the hell is up with bank holidays any fucking way? they are little more than customer service agents-you know, like the check out girl at wal-mart, but they take off more fucking holidays than my kid’s school. who the fuck are these lazy bastards -and can someone bring them into this fucking century? can you name one other industry that simply shuts the hell down-regardless of who it inconvieninces, and chocks it up to an industry holiday?

what if cashiers across america decided that they would not work their register on any holiday that’s remotely recognized by our country all willy nilly? imagine finding out that you couldn’t buy your monday groceries until tuesday or wednesday because it is george washington’s birthday? how pissed would you be?

it is ridiculous-i realize that many years ago, the ‘bank’ was looked at like a super power house, etc but today it is run by glorified check out girls and boys, yet i have to plan my life around their days off?!?!? i call bull shit!

i need a new bank-one that realizes they are their for MY convenience, not the other freaking way around. this is fucking ridiculous-its 2006-you do not put an entire industry on pause to take the gd day off you f-ing idiots! and again…vetran’s day??????? what they hell were you celebrating-90% or more of you have never served our country for 30 seconds-cashing my check is NOT serving our country…

dear bankers…you suck

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