my fault…your fault…the 8 hour bladder

quick recap-so i pick up my kindergartener from school, we share some laughs and we’re driving home…all of the sudden…

‘mom-please drive fast. i can’t hold it!’-

‘okay but there’s traffic so do your best’…and I drive a little faster…

‘i’m so serious mom-i’m going to pee’…

‘no…you’re not…we’re almost home, i’m going as fast as i can(please God, don’t let her pee in my new car…super please)’ -there’s litterally no place to stop, so i’m driving, taking short cuts, you know-super mom and all that stuff…

‘hurry mom, i haven’t peed all day!’-

‘what?!?‘-

‘i couldn’t get my pants undone-i haven’t pee’d all day’

…wuthafukindabullshitizthat?!?!??!!?

‘wha? why didn’t you ask for help??’…

‘but i did….the teacher said for me to do it myself’….

there are not words to described just how pissed i was, so i’ll just say that i was pissed to the 10th power…and i got home before she had an accident…tearing through my address book preparing to call said teacher at home and tell her what i really think of this bull shit-and i like this teacher…before i could find the number (which i still have not found) my kid comes in the room and asks what i’m doing?-i’m sure i looked like a crazed maniac looking for that damned number-and i told her…she said ‘mom, don’t call my teacher-she just wants me to learn how to do things for myself’-yeah, but it had been 8 hours since my child used the bathroom-still pissed i was, so still looking was i…

 seeing her stand there as i searched every inch of my kitchen something occured to me…

‘hey…come here, let me show you something’

…and I show her how to unbutton her pants….9 times…

‘now you try’…and in that 3 seconds, i understood why her teacher didn’t help (maybe)…she didn’t even try…

‘no, really, do it just like i showed you’….and she barely tugged on her button and said ’see, i can’t’

….oh…my..God

my child who can play every online children’s game out there-the same one who knows how to go online and log on to and play her game tap…the one that knows how to install new games to her computer by herself…yes, the one that plays playstation2 games that were meant for 10 year olds with ease and beats them…the one that you can’t even f-ing spell words that you don’t want her to hear around because she will just sound them out…out loud…really loud………that one…beautiful…intelligent…mature…and i have failed her

she couldn’t even unbutton her pants-and while i do feel that the teacher should have helped her out (yes, there will be a note covering this incident and how in the future should there be any wardrobe malfunctions that can not be assisted that i am to be called immediately…and incidently…calling me for such a sittuation as just flat out refusing to help my child in need will not end pleasantly), i also know my baby-and from what she just showed me i know that she didn’t even pretend to try, and then in her passive aggressive way, didn’t bother telling the teacher that she really had to go and really couldn’t get out of her pants…she gets that from me…

so i told her in a mix of frustration and horror at how i failed her in the basics of pant removal, i told her to go in her room and keep practicing unbuttoning said pants until i called her-yes, that was my way of requesting a mommy time out….

i sat at my kitchen table in shock at just how fucked up this is and what a horrible mom i am and how my mom was right-i never will be good at anything and my priorities are all screwed up and how she probably will never be able to move out and start her own family, all the while working for nasa…and she comes running in the kitchen…

‘mom!! i got it!! its unbuttoned!!’…knowing my luck, she just got lucky…

‘okay well button it back and do it again’…she did..and again and again and again and again….

hell yes! i so nailed that whole pant removal lesson in like 10 minutes or less-and now my baby can go to the bathroom unassisted and all is right with the world-i don’t suck as much as i thought and my mom was so wrong-i will be somebody oneday…unless………unlesss she forgets by monday…that would really suck