pilgrims, indians and schools

so i picked my kindergartner up from school…we are having the normal ‘what’d you learn…yeah…really…okay, use it in a sentence…she did what…that’s funny’ drive home chatter when she informs me that they are of-course learning about the origins of thanksgiving-

let me pause for a moment and clarify, i love thanksgiving. i love it as a holiday to get together with family, cook too much, eat too much, gain a pant size, watch some football, listen to kids screaming and running around the house, laughing, wine drinking…good times. i do not love the origins of thanksgiving, and have avoided recognizing the holiday and the history as being related until this year.

 anyway….so she tells me that the pilgrims were very nice people, who helped the indians….

‘helped?….did your teacher say how they helped?’

‘yes, she said that they taught the indians how to read and talk and make stuff. they taught them how to act and how to take care of their families. it was nice.’

whatthefuckindabullshitizthat??

what g-d year IS this? why are our children being taught the same bubble gum and bullshit history that we were taught years ago-has there been absolutely no progress in education what so fucking ever? i can’t wait to hear how they interpret slavery-let me guess, they went to africa and helped the poor people out of the jungle and gave them a chance by bringing them to america and teaching them how to talk and make stuff….it makes me sick to my stomach to think that this is why i am sending my kid to school…to be lied to and confused about how this world was and is….wtf?

i tried to keep quiet and accept the school’s version because she so enjoyed making her paper teepee…and i did…for almost five muntes before i felt compelled to correct the disneyfied version of our country’s history.

i explained to both of my children that the indians:

-were not from indian, they were from america and are the only natives of america making them native americans

-could talk just fine

-knew how to not only take care of their families, build what needed to be built, and how to cure many sicknesses and infact many of the same practices to cure ailments are in use today

-could read their language

-were trying to be nice to the pilgrims when they were almost entirely wiped out

-were tricked into wrapping their families with blankets that had be contaminated with small pox, including their children then forced to watch them die

-were scalped and killed like animals for fun and profit

-were driven out of areas were they could live happily into areas of the country that were barren and unable to grow food or thrive

 i explained to them that native americans never asked for or needed any help-they were just fine. i told her what the pilgrims did was like me going to someone’s house, pretending to be their friend, teaching them spanish, destroying their food, telling them to leave their house forever and when they said no, killing them-their entire family, and then living in their house, telling the world how i happened to ‘discover’ it.

they looked at me, then my oldest said…’okay, so the pilgim’s suck…what’s for dinner?’

my fault…your fault…the 8 hour bladder

quick recap-so i pick up my kindergartener from school, we share some laughs and we’re driving home…all of the sudden…

‘mom-please drive fast. i can’t hold it!’-

‘okay but there’s traffic so do your best’…and I drive a little faster…

‘i’m so serious mom-i’m going to pee’…

‘no…you’re not…we’re almost home, i’m going as fast as i can(please God, don’t let her pee in my new car…super please)’ -there’s litterally no place to stop, so i’m driving, taking short cuts, you know-super mom and all that stuff…

‘hurry mom, i haven’t peed all day!’-

‘what?!?‘-

‘i couldn’t get my pants undone-i haven’t pee’d all day’

…wuthafukindabullshitizthat?!?!??!!?

‘wha? why didn’t you ask for help??’…

‘but i did….the teacher said for me to do it myself’….

there are not words to described just how pissed i was, so i’ll just say that i was pissed to the 10th power…and i got home before she had an accident…tearing through my address book preparing to call said teacher at home and tell her what i really think of this bull shit-and i like this teacher…before i could find the number (which i still have not found) my kid comes in the room and asks what i’m doing?-i’m sure i looked like a crazed maniac looking for that damned number-and i told her…she said ‘mom, don’t call my teacher-she just wants me to learn how to do things for myself’-yeah, but it had been 8 hours since my child used the bathroom-still pissed i was, so still looking was i…

 seeing her stand there as i searched every inch of my kitchen something occured to me…

‘hey…come here, let me show you something’

…and I show her how to unbutton her pants….9 times…

‘now you try’…and in that 3 seconds, i understood why her teacher didn’t help (maybe)…she didn’t even try…

‘no, really, do it just like i showed you’….and she barely tugged on her button and said ’see, i can’t’

….oh…my..God

my child who can play every online children’s game out there-the same one who knows how to go online and log on to and play her game tap…the one that knows how to install new games to her computer by herself…yes, the one that plays playstation2 games that were meant for 10 year olds with ease and beats them…the one that you can’t even f-ing spell words that you don’t want her to hear around because she will just sound them out…out loud…really loud………that one…beautiful…intelligent…mature…and i have failed her

she couldn’t even unbutton her pants-and while i do feel that the teacher should have helped her out (yes, there will be a note covering this incident and how in the future should there be any wardrobe malfunctions that can not be assisted that i am to be called immediately…and incidently…calling me for such a sittuation as just flat out refusing to help my child in need will not end pleasantly), i also know my baby-and from what she just showed me i know that she didn’t even pretend to try, and then in her passive aggressive way, didn’t bother telling the teacher that she really had to go and really couldn’t get out of her pants…she gets that from me…

so i told her in a mix of frustration and horror at how i failed her in the basics of pant removal, i told her to go in her room and keep practicing unbuttoning said pants until i called her-yes, that was my way of requesting a mommy time out….

i sat at my kitchen table in shock at just how fucked up this is and what a horrible mom i am and how my mom was right-i never will be good at anything and my priorities are all screwed up and how she probably will never be able to move out and start her own family, all the while working for nasa…and she comes running in the kitchen…

‘mom!! i got it!! its unbuttoned!!’…knowing my luck, she just got lucky…

‘okay well button it back and do it again’…she did..and again and again and again and again….

hell yes! i so nailed that whole pant removal lesson in like 10 minutes or less-and now my baby can go to the bathroom unassisted and all is right with the world-i don’t suck as much as i thought and my mom was so wrong-i will be somebody oneday…unless………unlesss she forgets by monday…that would really suck