holidays and stuff

its almost thanksgiving…i’m writing my shopping list…i’m excited…and sad…

 the holidays are like a bad lover for me…i spend so much time romanticizing them and looking forward to them, and then they come and i remember all of their bad qualities and just wish that they would leave again…my kids love them though…

i’ve been in a funk…mad…disappointed…etc…

i’ve kept a happy face on for my kids though…and even my husband…no sense ruining everyone’s time…

my husband and kids are not the problem…its my paternal family that bugs me…always have…
every year it never fails…i want to purge all of my feelings about my childhood onto the people who helped to make it so bad…but they don’t care…never have…and there in lies my disappointment…

and then, why do i even care? i’m a mom myself…why should it matter that my mom never loved me…why should it matter that my father hurt me….why should it matter that my mother blamed me…and abandoned me…and beat me…and crushed who i was…and robbed me of happiness………….all of that should be behind me, right? so why do i let it creep back in…i see people all of the time who had bad childhoods, and they are okay with it….why can’t i make peace…

i spoke to the dj at my radio station last week….he was doing a show on people that influenced our lives…8 years ago, he had another show on that i called in for…he said some things that i carried with me about my relationship with my mother…i called last week to let him know how much it meant to me….and i began to cry…i don’t know why…i didn’t mean to….i thought i was okay, but instead i was crying….i still thanked him…he was really kind to me when i needed it years ago…maybe i still need kindness…..i don’t know…

if i could have anything….aside from guaranteed happiness for my family….i would wish that i had no recollection of my childhood…at all….none………..how can so many years of your life be just a painful memory…..and why can’t i forget it…..my mother is still using drugs….haven’t seen her in years….she only cares for me when her other child is in jail….then i become a welcomed distraction….until i cut it off years ago….it wasn’t fair to my kids the way she was….too unstable…..to wishy washy….it was hard to do, my inner child wanted a mom….my adult self knew that i would never have a real mom…and my children deserved more than a fair weather grandmother….my kids are the coolest kids on the planet…its sad that she never saw that…i guess she just saw me when she looked at them….and she hates me……my kids will never have to know the rejection i have had all of my life at her hands….and i’m glad for that….

holidays still make me sad…its one of those things that you can’t change or control…tears and snowflakes…..and frankly it pisses me off that it bugs me this much…why?…for the love of all things holy, she doesn’t care….never has….i should be happy that i don’t have her in my ear bad mouthing everyone i know….treating my kids differently from her other grand-kids….that’s fucked up in any language….and makes me boil….she claims to treat the others differently because their parents are all fucked up with substance abuse…but even she knows she’s lying….its really because i never have been good enough….and i’m sure she saw my kids the same way….so why have i just spent the last 30 minutes writing about the nut job that she is?

when life gives you shit, you  can wallow in it or wash it off….i’m ready for a bath

Britney Spears dumps Kevin Federline … on tv

i no longer hate britney spears. i do hate k-fed-i heard him being called fed-ex – it sounds like he’ll only walk away with $360,000 over the next year + half of the sale of their malibu mansion and he’ll have to pay for his own attorney fee’s…go britney..go to hell kevin federline