the holidays are like a bad lover for me…i spend so much time romanticizing them and looking forward to them, and then they come and i remember all of their bad qualities and just wish that they would leave again…my kids love them though…

i’ve been in a funk…mad…disappointed…etc…

i’ve kept a happy face on for my kids though…and even my husband…no sense ruining everyone’s time…

my husband and kids are not the problem…its my paternal family that bugs me…always have…
every year it never fails…i want to purge all of my feelings about my childhood onto the people who helped to make it so bad…but they don’t care…never have…and there in lies my disappointment…

and then, why do i even care? i’m a mom myself…why should it matter that my mom never loved me…why should it matter that my father hurt me….why should it matter that my mother blamed me…and abandoned me…and beat me…and crushed who i was…and robbed me of happiness………….all of that should be behind me, right? so why do i let it creep back in…i see people all of the time who had bad childhoods, and they are okay with it….why can’t i make peace…

i spoke to the dj at my radio station last week….he was doing a show on people that influenced our lives…8 years ago, he had another show on that i called in for…he said some things that i carried with me about my relationship with my mother…i called last week to let him know how much it meant to me….and i began to cry…i don’t know why…i didn’t mean to….i thought i was okay, but instead i was crying….i still thanked him…he was really kind to me when i needed it years ago…maybe i still need kindness…..i don’t know…

if i could have anything….aside from guaranteed happiness for my family….i would wish that i had no recollection of my childhood…at all….none………..how can so many years of your life be just a painful memory…..and why can’t i forget it…..my mother is still using drugs….haven’t seen her in years….she only cares for me when her other child is in jail….then i become a welcomed distraction….until i cut it off years ago….it wasn’t fair to my kids the way she was….too unstable…..to wishy washy….it was hard to do, my inner child wanted a mom….my adult self knew that i would never have a real mom…and my children deserved more than a fair weather grandmother….my kids are the coolest kids on the planet…its sad that she never saw that…i guess she just saw me when she looked at them….and she hates me……my kids will never have to know the rejection i have had all of my life at her hands….and i’m glad for that….

holidays still make me sad…its one of those things that you can’t change or control…tears and snowflakes…..and frankly it pisses me off that it bugs me this much…why?…for the love of all things holy, she doesn’t care….never has….i should be happy that i don’t have her in my ear bad mouthing everyone i know….treating my kids differently from her other grand-kids….that’s fucked up in any language….and makes me boil….she claims to treat the others differently because their parents are all fucked up with substance abuse…but even she knows she’s lying….its really because i never have been good enough….and i’m sure she saw my kids the same way….so why have i just spent the last 30 minutes writing about the nut job that she is?

when life gives you shit, you  can wallow in it or wash it off….i’m ready for a bath

blah blah blah…deposited on friday…blah blah blah…this guy who obviously believes that he is the end all and be all proceeds to tell me that all banking functions have been pushed back a day because of the holiday…vetran’s day…

ok….so my bank….who only opens for 3 hours on saturday to begin with…they all took those 3 hours off-vetran and layman….and these missing 3 hours have delayed my banking activities for a day OR MORE (he says)….

whatthefuckindabullshitizthat??

has every gd person in the banking industry served our country?….and what the hell is up with bank holidays any fucking way? they are little more than customer service agents-you know, like the check out girl at wal-mart, but they take off more fucking holidays than my kid’s school. who the fuck are these lazy bastards -and can someone bring them into this fucking century? can you name one other industry that simply shuts the hell down-regardless of who it inconvieninces, and chocks it up to an industry holiday?

what if cashiers across america decided that they would not work their register on any holiday that’s remotely recognized by our country all willy nilly? imagine finding out that you couldn’t buy your monday groceries until tuesday or wednesday because it is george washington’s birthday? how pissed would you be?

it is ridiculous-i realize that many years ago, the ‘bank’ was looked at like a super power house, etc but today it is run by glorified check out girls and boys, yet i have to plan my life around their days off?!?!? i call bull shit!

i need a new bank-one that realizes they are their for MY convenience, not the other freaking way around. this is fucking ridiculous-its 2006-you do not put an entire industry on pause to take the gd day off you f-ing idiots! and again…vetran’s day??????? what they hell were you celebrating-90% or more of you have never served our country for 30 seconds-cashing my check is NOT serving our country…

dear bankers…you suck

other days…you wake up to find your children sound asleep snuggling you…you laugh and tell jokes the whole ride to your kid’s school…you make it to school with 2 minutes to spare…you get home to find 2 stray ponies in your neighbor’s yard…and you just happen to have a bag of carrots in the fridge…you get to spend the morning feeding the ponies carrots with your baby…who asks you to watch a movie about unicorns with her when you go inside…and you do

let me pause for a moment and clarify, i love thanksgiving. i love it as a holiday to get together with family, cook too much, eat too much, gain a pant size, watch some football, listen to kids screaming and running around the house, laughing, wine drinking…good times. i do not love the origins of thanksgiving, and have avoided recognizing the holiday and the history as being related until this year.

 anyway….so she tells me that the pilgrims were very nice people, who helped the indians….

‘helped?….did your teacher say how they helped?’

‘yes, she said that they taught the indians how to read and talk and make stuff. they taught them how to act and how to take care of their families. it was nice.’

whatthefuckindabullshitizthat??

what g-d year IS this? why are our children being taught the same bubble gum and bullshit history that we were taught years ago-has there been absolutely no progress in education what so fucking ever? i can’t wait to hear how they interpret slavery-let me guess, they went to africa and helped the poor people out of the jungle and gave them a chance by bringing them to america and teaching them how to talk and make stuff….it makes me sick to my stomach to think that this is why i am sending my kid to school…to be lied to and confused about how this world was and is….wtf?

i tried to keep quiet and accept the school’s version because she so enjoyed making her paper teepee…and i did…for almost five muntes before i felt compelled to correct the disneyfied version of our country’s history.

i explained to both of my children that the indians:

-were not from indian, they were from america and are the only natives of america making them native americans

-could talk just fine

-knew how to not only take care of their families, build what needed to be built, and how to cure many sicknesses and infact many of the same practices to cure ailments are in use today

-could read their language

-were trying to be nice to the pilgrims when they were almost entirely wiped out

-were tricked into wrapping their families with blankets that had be contaminated with small pox, including their children then forced to watch them die

-were scalped and killed like animals for fun and profit

-were driven out of areas were they could live happily into areas of the country that were barren and unable to grow food or thrive

 i explained to them that native americans never asked for or needed any help-they were just fine. i told her what the pilgrims did was like me going to someone’s house, pretending to be their friend, teaching them spanish, destroying their food, telling them to leave their house forever and when they said no, killing them-their entire family, and then living in their house, telling the world how i happened to ‘discover’ it.

they looked at me, then my oldest said…’okay, so the pilgim’s suck…what’s for dinner?’

this is hillarious…watch faith hill (mid left) and her reaction to carrie underwood winning…classic

 sorry…that sounds bitchy even to me

anyway….she had one post in her guide to all things children…about spanking….let me stop here and say that i do not spank….i have spanked my children in extreme sittuations all of maybe 3 times in their entire lives…this is not because i do not believe in spanking…its because my kids are generally well behaved…not all kids are…infact i know a few kids who’s parents should start spanking them immediately for the sake of man kind….seriously, check out some of the kids in your child’s class and you’ll see what i mean…

 anyway, she read a woman discussing spanking and she began crying half way through the paragraph….in her defense, i did not read the paragraph but my instinct tells me that this woman may be a little dramatic…a lot…and it annoyed me so much….

her heart broke at the thought that people still spank their children…

wtf????

listen….i do not advocate any form of abuse towards children-any-for the record i think you should only spank if and when you are not upset and it is not to be done in excess and you must communitcate with your kids about why you spanked them-and it has to be your last resort after you actually tried other methods and failed and the crime has to warrant it…that is responsible discipline-and i wish more people did it so i don’t find myself out going to trick or treat while hearing loud and obnoxious 11 year olds talking about their relationships with their ‘man’ in graphic detail…and what kind of candy they got….around my kids….i’m sure same trick or treater will find herself in a baby shower soon…but back to spanking…

i have issues with spanking-my overbearing mother who basically has hated me since the day that i was born used to beat me everyday…no matter what…and scream in my face…and taunt me…and slap me…and scratch me until i bled…and send me to school with bruises and cuts covering my hands and arms because i wouldn’t move them when she attempted to beat my behind with a 2 inch thick cutting board which the school teachers were too busy screwing each other and gossiping about each other to notice-except for ms. mcdaniels who suspected something was wrong but she was a drunk and got fired for showing up at a school assembly shit faced and cursing…before she had a chance to interveen….so again, i do not advocate abuse on any level-and i have trouble spanking my own kids…i …hate…it….unlike my half sister who seems to get some pleasure from ‘busting their asses’-'their’ being her kids, because she was never spanked, beat, slapped or abused in any way shape or form our entire lives no matter what she did…but i’m over it….yeah…real over it….

anyway, i like to think i’m more sensitive to children’s safety than your average bear, but my God, if reading about responsible spanking shatters your view of the world and the people in it….you may want to see if you’re suffering from postpartum…that or dumbassum…

you’ve been a mom for 7 months…you haven’t seen shit yet, lady…dry your tears and put your big girl panties on

first is the retro pouring bowl / wisk set

to which one must add…

in pink….must be pink

i got a set of pyrex mixing bowls that i adore 3 or 4 years ago, and some did not make it (rip large mixer-i loved you) and i have a set of aluminum mixers that i like, but i think these would make a fabu addition to my dishware…now…how do i get them with out hearing the dreaded…

‘the cabinets are already full…blah blah blah…no place to put them…blah blah…didn’t we discuss….blah blah…i mean seriously….blah blah…you don’t have to buy everything you like….blah blah blah…almost christmas….you hate washing dishes…blah…blah’ from mr. needs a nap?  mission impossible…me thinks not…how would captain jack sparrow handle this mr. needs a nap….to be continued….

‘mom-please drive fast. i can’t hold it!’-

‘okay but there’s traffic so do your best’…and I drive a little faster…

‘i’m so serious mom-i’m going to pee’…

‘no…you’re not…we’re almost home, i’m going as fast as i can(please God, don’t let her pee in my new car…super please)’ -there’s litterally no place to stop, so i’m driving, taking short cuts, you know-super mom and all that stuff…

‘hurry mom, i haven’t peed all day!’-

‘what?!?‘-

‘i couldn’t get my pants undone-i haven’t pee’d all day’

…wuthafukindabullshitizthat?!?!??!!?

‘wha? why didn’t you ask for help??’…

‘but i did….the teacher said for me to do it myself’….

there are not words to described just how pissed i was, so i’ll just say that i was pissed to the 10th power…and i got home before she had an accident…tearing through my address book preparing to call said teacher at home and tell her what i really think of this bull shit-and i like this teacher…before i could find the number (which i still have not found) my kid comes in the room and asks what i’m doing?-i’m sure i looked like a crazed maniac looking for that damned number-and i told her…she said ‘mom, don’t call my teacher-she just wants me to learn how to do things for myself’-yeah, but it had been 8 hours since my child used the bathroom-still pissed i was, so still looking was i…

 seeing her stand there as i searched every inch of my kitchen something occured to me…

‘hey…come here, let me show you something’

…and I show her how to unbutton her pants….9 times…

‘now you try’…and in that 3 seconds, i understood why her teacher didn’t help (maybe)…she didn’t even try…

‘no, really, do it just like i showed you’….and she barely tugged on her button and said ‘see, i can’t’

….oh…my..God

my child who can play every online children’s game out there-the same one who knows how to go online and log on to and play her game tap…the one that knows how to install new games to her computer by herself…yes, the one that plays playstation2 games that were meant for 10 year olds with ease and beats them…the one that you can’t even f-ing spell words that you don’t want her to hear around because she will just sound them out…out loud…really loud………that one…beautiful…intelligent…mature…and i have failed her

she couldn’t even unbutton her pants-and while i do feel that the teacher should have helped her out (yes, there will be a note covering this incident and how in the future should there be any wardrobe malfunctions that can not be assisted that i am to be called immediately…and incidently…calling me for such a sittuation as just flat out refusing to help my child in need will not end pleasantly), i also know my baby-and from what she just showed me i know that she didn’t even pretend to try, and then in her passive aggressive way, didn’t bother telling the teacher that she really had to go and really couldn’t get out of her pants…she gets that from me…

so i told her in a mix of frustration and horror at how i failed her in the basics of pant removal, i told her to go in her room and keep practicing unbuttoning said pants until i called her-yes, that was my way of requesting a mommy time out….

i sat at my kitchen table in shock at just how fucked up this is and what a horrible mom i am and how my mom was right-i never will be good at anything and my priorities are all screwed up and how she probably will never be able to move out and start her own family, all the while working for nasa…and she comes running in the kitchen…

‘mom!! i got it!! its unbuttoned!!’…knowing my luck, she just got lucky…

‘okay well button it back and do it again’…she did..and again and again and again and again….

hell yes! i so nailed that whole pant removal lesson in like 10 minutes or less-and now my baby can go to the bathroom unassisted and all is right with the world-i don’t suck as much as i thought and my mom was so wrong-i will be somebody oneday…unless………unlesss she forgets by monday…that would really suck